If you didn’t already know, people across the United States are dressing up as clowns and scaring other people. THIS IS A REAL THING THAT IS HAPPENING. There have been reports of clowns carrying weapons, ringing doorbells and dancing in front yards, even luring kids into the woods with money.
One clown from Bloomington, Minnesota made public threats to several Minnesota cities. The “Kroacky Klown” has since been identified and is pending charges, but this clown named my town as a city in danger.
Then I got a lil wacky.
After a night of googling “clowns wielding swords,” “do clowns accept cash money bribes,” and “therapeutic balloon animals,” I begged my roommate to spoon with me and keep me safe.
Then I wrote this list. Hopefully this helps you like it did me.
10 Ways to Destress About the Clowns
- Bring out the memes
- Join a clown hunting club
- Also buy weapons, duel the s*!t out of any clowns you see
- Don’t do #3
- Enroll in a community class on clown culture and hope to better understand why this is happening
- Move to Canada (you were threatening it anyway)
- Dress up as a clown to intimidate other clowns
- Don’t do #7
- Remember, clowns are more scared of you than you are of them (that’s why they’re carrying machetes)
- Ironically give the clowns the attention they’re asking for and share an article about them
Okay, that was fun! Are we all feeling better about the clowns now? (No, literally not at all, you are trash Katie). Cool! In all seriousness, please stay safe around campus. Don’t walk alone at night; utilize Uber, Gopher Chauffer, and 624-WALK. Have a safe and spoopy October everyone!
katie makowski 